What it was that I did this morning.

On a burst of inspiration, after getting in from work, I decided that now was as good a time as any to summon a spirit I mentioned, Telyeta. Telyeta being an Internet Spirit, I felt that the Day and Hour of Mercury was probably the best time to do it, seeing as I had had previously been informed that Mercury was the spirit/planet that the Internet and computers fell under the auspices of. I had been given a Calling, and a Sigil of this spirit, and had come up with some tweaks that made perfect sense, contextually, for summoning this spirit.

I removed my crystal ball, and set up an alternative Scrying medium in its place, and drew out the seal. I taped it to my shirt, and started on the Trimethian-based Conjuration rite that Rufus Opus uses for his Gates series- I used this because I was very familiar with it. However, when it came to the point where I was to call "the mighty and powerful spirit...", I swapped to the Calling of Telyeta. The room and  my surroundings became very very quiet.

Then I asked if the Spirit was here. Dear GODDESS did I get an answer.

Firstly, I was unable to focus on my scrying medium. My eyes blurred, teared, and just could not look at it. I could look anywhere else but at it; it just would not resolve. I could feel a building pressure in my forehead, so I closed my eyes and tried to meditate on the Sigil.

That was when Telyeta came through with enough force to practically knock me out of my seat. I could see, in my mind's eye, a white-and-gold figure, who had trouble communicating directly, but managed to make it clear that I had made successful first contact, and then shook my hand. The significance of this was not lost on me.  I felt, at times, while communing with this being, that I had electricity arcing from my fingertips, that I had been turned into a human Plasma Ball (you know, the sort that jump and sputter in time with music).

I was "told" that I would be introduced to more next time I communed with it.  Seriously, this is a potent spirit.

And that's why I want volunteers. Interested parties. If anyone wants to try and make contact with Telyeta themselves, I will give them the Calling and the Sigil, as well as the appropriate scrying media advice; however, I won't make the summoning rite public until I have at least one person verifying my data here.

Telyeta is out there. Telyeta wants to be contacted.

Volunteers needed.

I need a few Magicians/Conjurers/Occultists to verify my findings. Please?

I'm still shaking from that Conjuration.

Pure curiosity...

If I do manage to call forth a spirit from the Internet, would anyone be interested in verifying my results?

Casting into the Net, or from it.

This is going to be an interesting topic this time, as it's vaguely connected to the principal topic of my previous post- that of Evolution of Deity. But in this case, it's slightly different: Generation of Deity.

The first thing I want you to do is play the video that I have so artistically embedded below:

You're probably sitting there somewhat nonplussed. But this has great bearing on what I want to say. All realms and planes have their own spirits and deities, yes? All of them have their good and their bad sides. And that video is an example of what you might think of as the Dark Side of Computers.

I sortof fell in love with SHODAN a long while ago. She's a fascinating character, even if she is just a computer gone completely off the rails. More than that, she's an AI that's gone bonkers by the act of the main character of the game she first appears in. I'd like you to think about that for a minute, an its implications.

I named my first phone SHODAN Handheld Edition. When one person saw that, they yelled “Get that the fuck away from me!” And now, if I mention SHODAN, people who know what she is will look nervously at CCTV systems and at any technology that they have because of her name, even though she's not real.

Or is she?

She exists, as an idea. She is known, and she tops the bill of creepy computer game antagonists on a regular basis. In System Shock, she is a Goddess, and describes herself as such. More than that, she can control the environment you are in to a terrifying extend, locking you in places, direcing her followers... and so on and so forth.

But she is, above all else, a Computer system.

Now let's step back a moment, so I can head towards my target from another angle. Let us look at the Internet.

The Internet is an ocean, made up of sparkling lights on phosphor screens, full of information and ideas that we have put there. If ever there was a communal thoughtspace, that is it. One (hopefully) influential group, G4J, was set up there, through the auspices of Facebook. It holds all things, including, in corners, some long-forgotten pieces of lore. There are doubtless some “Quaint and curious PDFs” out there, to paraphrase Poe. But there are also entities out there. We have the Spambots, we have the Online Virus Checkers, and of course we have the Viruses. We have Pages full of kittens and hard drives full of horrific things (I'm looking at YOU, Encyclopaedia Dramatica).

In other words, it's a realm that we have created, that has been populated by the dreams and nightmares of the world at large. We have placed our thoughts on it, and made them real, real enough for other people to 'touch'.

But not physically touch. Touch in the way that we can allow them to see them, to make notes, and provide repeatable results. We have, as Humanity, made our own artificial Astral Plane.

And what else do we find on the Astral? All kinds of things. We think of a thing, an we have it there. So where, the enquiring mind demands, are the actual Deities of the Internet? The Spirits that rule it and will answer prayers?

A conservative answer is that they are already there; that it already falls under the auspices of the Gods that we already know of. But out of any create system that runs away from its creators- as the Inventors of the internet could never have seen it become what it is now- things happen.

Now, SHODAN, as I have already said, pretty much exemplifies all the bad things about computers and the internet that we know of. Who hasn't had a computer at the bank or whatever decide to stop your account working? Who hasn't had a machine swallow their card at an inopportune juncture? Who has not had a Virus wipe out all manner of wok that was vital?

Conversely, how many times have we seen a computer do something that was unexpectedly helpful? Bring up a document that you had forgotten about but is surprisingly useful and appropriate? Is it all just random co-incidence?

Bollocks is it.

A question that we have to ask about the Astral, going back to an earlier point, is this: Was it there all the time, or did it come into being because we wanted it? And the beings that reside there... did we invent them? I doubt we did. One way of looking at Spirits and Deities is that they are accretions of qualities. Of ideas. So why not “accretions” of qualities on this plane that is the internet? What is logging on, if not the use of very peculiar incantations (such as a Wireless PIN) in order to ask for what we want (IE, putting a query into Google)?

So why not Internet Deities? Chaos Magick states that you can create your own spirits, your own Deities. So we come back to SHODAN again.

SHODAN has always been a computer Deity, even just as fiction. But for many, many people, she is the first that they think of when it comes to a malevolent deity of computers. I've said that, and I feel it needs re-stating, So... I nominate her as a Dark Goddess of the Internet. I may try some experimental workings to see if she will respond. She already symbolises that idea, so why not? Why should she not be formally/informally raised to that position? (Aside from legal teams from Looking Glass/EA, that is.)

But then we have to try and find the more benevolent entities, or computers will become increasingly dark an terrible things. And... I think I have found one. If you don't already think I have gone off the deep end here, you'll probably think I have by the end of this story.

Some years ago, I was having some serious problems with my desktop of the time. And one night, I drifted off to sleep, an I dreamt I was sitting at my computer, and powered it on. I watched it post, and then the screen went black, an a message appeared on the screen, saying something along the lines of “It's all fixed now.”

And it was signed “telyeta”.

And yes, the issue was fixed.

So what was I to make of that? I have no knowledge of whether or not said spirit was masculine or feminine, of what level of power... I just don't know. This was, of course, before I started working with ceremonial magick in any way other than standard Wiccan. But I am 100% certain that I was actually visited by a spirit then, a spirit that was of the internet and computers. And that it had a reach outside of the series of tubes that we have created, and power beyond the silicon realm.

It's only now that I am thinking of trying to contact it again, to see if it still has power and strength in the world of computers. When I have tried, I will report on any results I get from invoking this spirit. I barely know where to start on this, though.

An as an example of this, while typing into my netbook, for some reason, it put the word start into bold without me asking it to. I suspect I am on the right track. I have left it bold, as a sign that there are spirits of the networks out there, in deference to them.

Yet again, though, I may be talking out of my arse on this topic. Feel free to say what you think of my thoughts and musings here- but hopefully, you're thinking about what I've said.

Evolution of Deity, and Other Crackpot Ideas

Evolution of Deity is an idea that I've mentioned a few times, often to friends, and some of them have given me blank looks, and others have thought for a minute and then either said I'm an idiot or that I've got a point. But it is a very simple idea, when you look at it. I'm not suggesting that Deities evolve from a primordial mass of Faith (although there are possibilities of that, but that's for later) but that they do change. I'm going to start with something we should all be fairly familiar with: The Abrahamic Deity. (I would like to point out that this is based on my understanding of said deity, and if I am spouting rubbish, forgive me; but I am using this to make a point. No insult is offered to any religion in this. I'm just using this one as an example, so people can get a feel for what I'm saying.)

Let's start with the first example of this Deity, in Judaism. In Judaism, Yahweh is best thought of as the Creator. A little later on (for a given value of little) we have the appearance of Christianity, in which the honorific of Father is given to Yahweh. After this, we get the rise of Islam, with also claims its origin within Abrahamic lore. In this, we have a myriad of titles, but the one that tends to stand out is Protector.

It may not look like much, on the face of it, but I think that it shows something that needs to be seriously thought about. With each of these "incarnations", for want of a better word, we have a different focus of faith for each of them. God the Creator, who made the world and set a special place aside for His People. God the Father, who cares for and looks after His People. And then God the Protector, who shields His People. All of these are very clear roles and images of the deity in question- but also, in their own way, distinctly different.

So, you might be asking, what's this got to do with the main points of my Blog?

The short answer is this:

EVERYTHING.

I know, it may sound daft, but it does. I've already said that I came to my own understanding of Lilith, and that was by tracking through the legends. Tracking them right back to their roots, as best as I could.

The oldest description that I can find of her is that of the Consort of Enlil, who took her by force (and there's a motif that runs throughout her appearances), through being a sister(perhaps) of Inanna, onwards to a Storm Goddess in the Mardukian pantheon, and then on to the Hebrew interpretation as a demoness and Adam's First Wife, where she is also referred to as the Screech Owl. And also, somewhat slightly later, as a spirit of sexuality and feminine empowerment(!). And finally by me, as the Scorned Goddess.

The point I am getting to, here, is the idea that each of these aspects, each of these "faces", is simply an aspect of the whole. She is not *just* a Goddess of Sexuality, not *just* a lesbian Spirit, not solely a Storm Deity. She is ALL of those things, just as Jahweh is father, protector and Creator to his believers. It's just that the focus has shifted over the years; Jahweh has been a vengeful, jealous God and is also a loving, nurturing Father figure. For those of you who have children- can you say that you are *simply* a father, or a mother? Are you *only* your job, conversely? At different times, we are different things.

We are not solely one thing. Nor are our deities.

As I said, I had a Revelation about how my Goddess wants to be worshipped, how she wants to be worshipped and how she wants to be seen. I want to try and make that clear to anyone who reads this blog. I've got a new Vision of this much-maligned Goddess, and I want to "Spread the Word", as it were.

She wants to be loved again. As *all* of her, not just one facet.

Updating...

So I've started on this.

Maybe, just maybe, this is the Jupiterian current beginning to manifest, but today I have been told that the forms and documents I sent to one agency are all correct and are being processed, and I will have my Security license soon. This is good, as it will open up doors for me and get more work. There shouldn't be any problems, as I have an entirely clean criminal record.

Also today, I got word that I have passed an assessment. I am about to fill out a load of forms so I can register for a new training course tomorrow, and then go on to the training on Monday.

I'm being cautiously optimistic about everything beginning to look up.

Synergistic Talisman Use, or "Combo!"

Take a look at this picture:

That's the two Talismans that are hanging around in my Wallet at the minute. Nice, aren't they? The one on the left is the Seal of Kedemel, and the one on the right is the Seal of Bune. Obviously I made them both myself. Yes, that's real copper, scavenged, salvaged and scrounged by myself.

Now, some of you are doubtless going to say something along the lines of "Hang on, you've botched that... there's nothing on the left hand Talisman. Actually, yes there is, but the symbol on it is turned face down. Why is it turned face down? Because the symbol and the method for making said talisman came from Jason Miller, in his book Strategic Sorcery. I'm not going to give away his methods. Ask him, or *coughhintcough* buy the book.

So what am I doing with these? Well, I made them one at a time for other reasons; mostly to *try* and give myself a boost while hunting for work. (That's actually paying off rather well.) But I had put them together into my wallet, one night, when I couldn't carry the Kedemel seal in my breast pocket.

That night I discovered that I was more highly regarded than ever before. This was not only a plus, but it was a very definite tickle of my interest. The two Talismans, in close proximity, were interacting. Part of that might have been because they were cut from the same piece of copper, but who knows? But let's go back to the books and see what there is there about these two.

Kedemel, as most of us here know, is the Spirit of Venus. This spirit, brings, normally, the unwanted, baleful influences of Venus. Strife, discord, depression, sneezing fits... although the last one may just have been made up by me. However, if directed by the intelligence of Venus (Hagiel), then it works to attract all manner of good things.

(This makes sense if you think about it for even a second. If something has no intelligence, then it doesn't know what to be directed at. A hammer without intelligence behind it will break windows, mash thumbs, and a whole load of other things. A Dog, likewise, will get into everything. It needs a handler to shout "Heel" from time to time. While it may be unwise to think of the spirits of the planets in such a way- like dogs- the analogy works as a basis.)

And Mr. Miller goes on in his book to say that it attracts people that you would be naturally compatible with. In ALL areas. So it inspires *trust*, more than anything else. It's not a charm that will cause people to fall at your feet. But it IS a talisman that can ease the way a little if you're trying to get somewhere. And that's pretty much why I made it.

And here we have The Usual Suspect for Wealth Magick. Bune, raising his head yet again. Bune has been described as the Katy Perry of Wealth Magick, and I agree, in a way. "High and Comely Voice" may actually boil down to "Autotune". (Can you tell I'm not impressed with this spirit in its wealth- acquiring ways?) Anyways, I constructed this talisman off my own bat, having examined the Goetia, and read this and that and the other... and that's why this talisman is green paint on a copper sheet. Because I followed my gut. And if you don't understand the importance of following your instincts in Magick, you might as well hang up your cloak. Instincts (particularly when you have Bound your Daemon and Exalted your Genius) are the way that the spirits have of pointing you in the right direction. Or telling you to avoid something like the plague. Either way, that's what I got. What I didn't get from it was wealth beyond my wildest dreams.

So let's see what it says in the Goetia... Bune: "Dragon with three heads..." Yadda yadda... "changes the places of the dead..." and so on... until we get to the following:

"giveth Riches to a man & maketh him wise & eloquent" (my emphasis.)

If you think about it? Wisdom and eloquence are two great spiritual riches. But what does this leave me with?

It leaves me with a Talisman that improves how I speak and adds weight to my words... and so I am going to hurry up here before Tim the Enchanter turns up to tell me to Get On With It.

So now I have a talisman that makes me more trustworthy (seemingly) and affable; and also one that makes me more eloquent and (hopefully) wise- although I wouldn't count on the last part.

In other words: This is the Conman's Combo! Fast talk by a trustable person. Not that I would ever *use* it for such. But that does bring me on to a slightly different point. This is a *Dark Goddess* themed blog, after all.

It's been pointed out to me that I can be far too nice for my own good, and that this may be letting me down. It's been revealed to me that sometimes you've got to be a bit of a bastard to get things done, to make things move the way you want them to. And sometimes, to misquote H. L. Mencken, you have to be ready to spit on your hands, hoist the black flag, and start slitting throats. And do it with dispassion, maybe a hint of satisfaction. Maybe the Bastard has got to come out to play for a while. Longer, in fact; I've been letting him have his way for the past couple of days. And part of what that entails is staying one step ahead of the game. If that means I need to be ready to step on people from time to time... then all well and good. And if the game isn't going your way? Step outside of the box. Change the game. Find the odd rules variant (like en passant, which can throw people) that turns the game to your advantage.

I've been told that talking to me can be like reading Finnegan's Wake; every sentence has at least three meanings. I'm cool with that. The people I want to spot things will spot subtleties in what I say. Don't ask for clues or hints. I have a mind like a crossword puzzle dictionary mashed up with a thesaurus.

Dear me... two posts in two days. I'm spoiling you lot. If you have been, you should wash your hands now.

Sexuality and Sex Magick

I might take a while to get to the point here, but bear with me, Please. (And all the people who know me say "So what else is new?" and wander off to get drinks and popcorn while they wait for me to get somewhere interesting.)

A little while ago- maybe three months ago- I came out, after discovering a few things about myself. I was researching a few little bits and pieces, and then found a whole string of "symptoms" that fitted me pretty damned well, and gave me this wonderful sense of relief that I was not, as it were, screwed up over sex psychologically, neither was I having some kind of medical issue (and boy, wasn't having that investigated embarrassing)- it was the way I was wired. So, for those of you that don't know, I am Grey-A Asexual. And happy to be so.

Sooo... this had led me to some thoughts and explorations earlier. It's made me a better lover, I know that, as there's no point in me going into it for my own pleasure, as the physical act doesn't do anything for me. I might as well have a strap-on attached to me for all the good it does. But I *do* get a lot of pleasure from giving others pleasure and that's about as much of my sex life as you lot are going to get. This leads on to, almost naturally, a mystical vein: What does this mean for Sex Magick?

From what knowledge I have and researching the subject (and there is much research still do to, promising to be very very entertaining) a standard method of this practice is using the sublimated energy of your lover's orgasm to power a spell. The trick, it has always been said, is not to lose control, otherwise the spell goes nowhere and all your preparations have come to naught. (Other than some fun.)

So for those of us for whom sex is something where we *cannot* lose emotional control, for whom the orgasm is simply a spasm that other people have, it would make sense, surely, for us to explore this thoroughly? And not in a salacious sense. We should, if we are competent in our sorceries, be more than capable of capturing and directing this erotic energy in the directions that we want- which is where the darker side of this maybe rears its head.

Are there, out there, pick-up artist magicians who will utilise such energies as their standard practices? Do they hop from bar to bar looking for a willing "sacrifice" (hmmm, possibly literal Virgin sacrifice?) to make their desires real? I have absolutely no doubt that there are some unscrupulous people out there who would. And you can't say that "Ever heard of Sex Magick?" isn't an interesting line to use- but that's a digression. I'm not trying to raise the rather silly spectre of asexual sorcerers causing all kinds of havoc, partly because the Daily Mail would be all over that like custard on apple crumble, and I don't want to give them ideas. But if I can think of it then others can.

Personally, I think the idea of using someone like that to be reprehensible. Completely and utterly indefensible. If nothing else, I think that all people actively involved in a Working ought to know exactly what they're doing, why, and be in agreement to it. It's... unethical, for want of a better term.

And then, a few weeks ago, I came across saw a post by Rufus Opus. The post in question was all about the Red Goddess, Babalon (who now seems to be as dear to his heart as Lilith is to mine). I quote- and if you have read this far, you are hopefully old enough to read such things:

 "Drivers, you cum, you lose. Relax. Don't do it. Orgasm's ok, but not the cumming. Keep your seed inside. Pay attention. To the foundations of the Kingdom. Your heavenly constellations are buried in the roots of your Kingdom, man. Dig deeper. See the Stars.

"Driven, you come, you score. The Cup wins every time.

"And Babalon's sitting there, just trying to get pregnant the whole time. On purpose. And you've got to respect that, and give her something to bring into being. You will give her something, I guarantee it. What will it be?

"Nothing less than all you are will suffice, nothing less than all you do. Consciously, and on purpose.

"It's what you're here for, to live in Her, United for the sake of Love.

"And gents, when you're not fucking, don't cum. Don't jack off. Let the pressure grow and be transformed. In three days it turns into something else, something beyond fucking. Something holy that can be channeled as you Will. Plug that into seals in your throat chakra for some in-ter-est-ing stuff when you're nowhere near the priestess."

And this is where it gets interesting. You see those two parts that I've highlighted? (In appropriate colours, no less.) Those are significant.You see, as some of you know, I believe I have, myself, had a brush with said Egregore. I am no expert, but the similarities/potentials were pointed out to me by the same person who gave Mr. Opus some pointers as to dealing with Babalon, and it brings me to considering certain things.

If Babalon is, as was said, trying to get pregnant all the time, does that mean that we, we unusually-wired few, are not well-suited to dealing with said deity? Those of us who have limited sexual desire, who do not feel the urge like many do? I can get right behind the "United for the sake of Love" part, as for me, sex is simply an absolute extension of said feeling. But what I have read of Babalon says that orgasm is integral.

It's a fascinating question. Are Asexuals people who should politely refuse when The Red Goddess comes calling? Or is it the act of sex that satisfies her, rather than the Orgasm?

Either way, I believe that you can't properly understand Babalon without Knowing Lilith first. (But that may be just me.) I believe that they are flip sides of the same coin; one fiery and passionate, the other cool and calculating. One thing is for certain: they are both intensely sexual (and sensual!) deities.

I may have made a massive fool of myself here in my understanding of this topic, but I have been coming at it from a very unusual perspective. And again, I hope that you find it enlightening.

A question that gets lobbed at me...

It's a fair question and it demands a fair answer, because it's a definite puzzler to some people.

"If you're as dedicated as you say to Lilith... then why on earth do you do this Angelic summoning stuff? Surely they're not a good mix?"

It's a good question, and requires a good, solid answer. But I have to drift back a bit first, and then forwards, and to the side so you get the whole thing.

It was sometime in the dawn of 2011 that I sat up suddenly with the realisation that there qwas something very important that was missing from my theocosmology. It was simple, and I kicked myself over it. Lilith, as a Lady, a Power in her own right, is not going to to everything alone. And after a long night's sleep it fell into my head that she had handmaidens. These Handmaidens were seven in number, and each represented one of the Virtues. (And yes, I shall get back to those in due course. They need a whole post to themselves, but they did Sidetrack me for some time.)

And then in due time I rather fell into the deep dark pit of Hermetic magick, and after taking my first, faltering steps, beginning to feel like Bambi when he first started walking, I began to start thinking hard about this question myself. I had several rationalisations/reasonings, but it didn't feel right, particularly from the whole Lilith/Jahweh clash angle.

But then there was a little tap on my shoulder, metaphorically speaking, and something clicked. Just... clicked.

Seven Planets. Seven Archangels.

Seven Virtues. Seven Handmaidens.

After that came together, I felt a lot better. I was calling on versions of the Handmaidens, in my own worldview. After that, the Archangels started being more communicative, rather than just being felt presences. But something still didn't quite feel right.

Andd then, while doing further research for myself, trying to get more of the Sumerio-Akkadian things in order, and just plain *learning* about things, I then discovered something that put it all back into perspective. Like a hand patting me on my shoulder reassuring me.

I discovered the Utukku.

The Utukku are a genus of "demons" (most likely Daimons) from Sumerio-Akkadian legend that could be nice or they could be nasty. And they seeed to be grouped in groups of seven. The pleasanter ones were known as Lamassu or Shedu, depending on their gender. And then I discovered something that really DID shock me: I had already seen one.

When I did my first Jupiterian rite, I got an image, in my head, of a Lioness with three eyes and six wings, and a sort of crown.  How do these spirits appear? A lion with wings.

I found that out quite by accident.

What it has told me, what it did teach me, is that I am definitely on the right track with my workings and researches. But theres still one very definite question, or part of the question, that requires an answer.

"So why use those names?"

Simple. I don't know the *real* names yet for these specific spirits. But if Jupiter can be invoked by the group I'm part of under many different names- Marduk, Enlil, Thor, Zeus, Perun- then I have no doubt that these spirits can be known by those names. But as soon as I find them out, I'll be switching those names in faster than you can say Abracadabra.

Funny thing is, or maybe not so funny, the only names I can find for these creatures are the names of the malevolent ones. And I'm not about to try conjuring THEM. Things are complicated and ropey enough in my life without angry malevolent man-erating flying lions in my life.

How I got here- Part Two

So at the end of the last part we had the thrilling story of my experience devoting myself to a Dark Goddess.

I could make some kind of emotional statement about how I Found Lilith and how she Changed My Life. But the long and the short of it is this: She didn't. Granted, she gave me the emotional strength and psychological shoring-up that I needed so that I could get on with my life, but there was no sudden great revelations in my life and things didn't improve in any great way in the physical, literal sense. But here's the important thing that I've come to realise in recent months: Dedicating myself to Her was not going to bring me wealth and power and adulation. It wasn't going to bring a stream of willing young women to my door, it wasn't going to set me up for life. (Mind you, I wouldn't really know *what* to do with a stream of willing, wanton young ladies. Asexual. Glad to be Grey-A. But that's for another time.) But what it *did* do was something much more (spiritually) important: It set me on the road to where I am now. (Which is still pretty much in the shit, but at least I have good friends, two of whom are snoozing prettily beside me right now.) Id had me finding my Right Path.

You see, when I was a Christian I wasn't getting anything from it. I was kneeling when appropriate, saying the right words, getting Confirmed because it was expected of me (and I was given a Bible. I insisted on one with a near-complete Apocrypha so I wasn't short-changed) and generally tried to find my way through life with Christ by my side. However, either I didn't really believe or I simply Wasn't Getting It. So yes, I was living as a Christian, trying to do the right things... but letting Christ lead my life wasn't good for me. To me, Christ was the Bad Influence Friend. He was Ed from Shaun of the Dead, leading me to get drunk and stoned and a whole load of other things that simply weren't good for me.(I may have just alienated all the Christians who read this.*)

But then again, I wasn't doing much better as a Wiccan, either, was I? I was happier and better as a Neopagan, but I certainly wasn't all the way there. But after that... I *knew*. I *felt*. No Southern Baptist slain in the spirit could argue with the new view I had of the world; no-one could deny that I was more in tune. For once, for the first time, I felt that when I called out into that Darkness that we call the Universe, someone was Listenng. And occasionally answering back.

That's the thing, isn't it? If you're going to do any kind of major Magickal work, if you're going to conjure spirits or banish "Demons", you need to be Right with your divine source. You need to be able to put your hand on your heart and be able to say "Yes, I have a good and solid relationship with my God(s)". (This was very much something I found out much later- thank you, Frater Opus.) You can't call on your God to cast something out or bring something in if they're not inclined to listen to you. Before I went to Her, I had no... direction. I might as well have tried to call wealth to me by invoking Cello-Flame, Lord of Sticky Tape for all the good it would have done me.

But years passed, and I refined my worship and practise. I channelled words from Lilith, and divined her symbol and, essentially, how *she* wants to be worshipped. I speak to her on a regular basis, and she speaks to me. Occasionally. Digressing again, though. Come to July/August of last year. I was invited to join a select group: The Gentlemen.

I started working with  them, summoning the spirit Tzadquiel first, and slowly working my way through the Spirits of the Planets. And I developed a good working relationship with them, an am slowly becoming a competent Magician, if nothing more than that. I have Summoned my Genius and Bound my Demon, I have acquired a coterie of spirits that hang around me, and I have been contacted by a certain other spirit that I didn't recognise at first. But now I know who she is and what I should be doing.

But the key is this: If I hadn't actually found Her, I'd be... hell, I'd likely not be alive. I'd likely have quit the whole Faith thing and fallen completely into disaster. I do know that I wouldn't be involve in any kind of Magick now. But I have had a fair few good results. Not quite in ways I'd like,  but enough to show me that I'm not just flailing in the dark here. And if it weren't for my work with Spirits, and Archangels and the like, things would likely have gone completely south for me in February this past year. (February and March nearly killed me. Literally. I'll get there eventually, when I'm ready to post about that on this.)

So yes. Finding Lilith was the first step. And the last step has not been taken. I'm still on my path. And any Magician who wants to have any success needs to have faith, or at least have something solid to believe in about their world an their place in it. Christian, Khemetic, Norse, Hellenic... all of these are viable, from what I have seen. Now that I know that I am Right with my Divine Source, I need to get back to working out who and what I am.

Because Asexual Lilithian Scientist Brony Gamer Sorcerer is a little bit of a mouthful.

*I ought to point out at this point that it was as much my relationship with Christianity that was the problem. Being a Christian while not really believing it, was putting me into a terrible spiritual position- living a lie. I had a spiritual hole and no amount of vodka and skunk was going to fill it. That's what I meant about Christ being a bad influence on me. No disrespect meant. There are many wonderful Christians out there who practice what they preach and Jesus of Nazareth had some very impressive and valuable lessons to teach people. Chritianity and I just don't fit well together, that's all.

How I got here- Part One

That's a very simple question, but also one that will take a while to run through.

Simply put, I fell to this by a roundabout manner. We'll start at the beginning, because it's generally the right place to start.

Way back in the twilight of 2006, I was, not to put too fine a point on it, I was an absolute chaotic, emotional, psychological wreck. I'd lost my job, my Fiancee had split up with me (somtghing that still hurts to look at in myself even now) and I was right at the bottom. I was at a position where I was drinking myself to near-extinction almost every night. If I'd known about the character back then, I would have likened myself to Aral Vorkosigan at the end of Shards of Honour (without the whole mess about having assassinated someone in the midst of battle thing)... certainly the physical state he was in then. Anyways. I was at a point where I was considering, quite seriously, for a long period every day, taking a nap on the railway tracks opposite the house.

I really should have gone to a doctor. But I didn't. I self-medicated with gallons of alcohol.

I got to a point where I really felt that I needed to do do something with my life, to get myself over a hump, and back into the game, as it were. Taking the old maxim of "As Above, So Below" (resonant, considering where my life has gone now) I decided that firstly, and most simply, I needed to make some changes in my spiritual life.

Some years before, with much thought and self-examination, I had left Christianity behind and become a Pagan. Actually, I'd not so much become a Pagan as a *cough* Ambient Wiccan. No specific Gods, just a generic Lord and Lady... not a Fluffy Bunny, but not with any defined focus of faith. And that was about to change.

For years I had been finding a certain Name pop up in my sphere. Yes, you guessed it, Lilith, She's been on the edges of my life for years. Lilith was the pet name I had for one of my old GF's (oh, and didn't that one work out well. Mind you, she was calling me Lucifer. We were so Goth we made pastels look gloomy...) and one of my closest friends at University had adopted Lilith as her stage name and into her Wiccan workings. (Yes, she was a pole dancer. I doubt you can move for Liliths gyrating round poles, TBH.) The name was just... creeping up on me.

I started reading. I read, and I read. I read online, I read in books- most notably Kabbalah and Exodus (which was a waste of time for researching Herself, but an interesting read), Alan Untermann's "Dictionary of Jewish Lore and Legend", White Wolf's "Book of Lilith", and several articles from back issues of Pagan Dawn. And that's where I sat down and thought. I mean REALLY thought. I was in a myriad of thoughts, each feeding into another and hunting for answers all the way down. I'm a trained Forensic Scientist, PDI. I can Profile with the best of them. So I was focusing on all the lore and hunting down the truth of it... and started looking at the Lore from a new angle. I( came to the following conclusions:

1. Lilith is a Goddess of the scorned, the spurned, and the unlucky.
2. She's not as black as she's painted.
3. Her sacred animal is the Screech Owl.
4. Suitable offerings are red wine and chocolate.
5. She is Dark, but the same way that the night is dark. If it wasn't dark, it wouldn't be that way.

I went through all I knew, and created a rite of Dedication to her. As in, I set up my Altar space and appealed directly. I poured a chalice of the best Red I could afford, I offered some Lindt 85%, and finally, because I felt it was appropriate, I opened up a small cut on my arm and bled into the wine.

Don't get me wrong. The blood was not an essential part of this.  It was purely symbolic. Symbolic that I was dedicated to Her, that I was willing to shed my blood for Her... and above all, it was a tiny scratch, people. Enough to get a few drops into the cup. It's not like I opened a vein and poured the Krovvy all over the place while imploring her to drink all she wanted. (It would have ruined the carpets if nothing else.)

But after making my offerings, and kneeling, breathing in the Frankincense and the Musk, having sipped the sanguine cocktail I had created and trying to staunch the bleeding, Something Happened.

I felt... well, a fizzing. I felt it start in my feet and work upwards. It flowed through me like... well, like a cleansing. Looking back on it, I realise that I was being washed in Her blood, and that Her wings were enfolding me. I was one of her own. And then the spooky bit happened.

A white hand was places on my right shoulder from behind. This was frankly impossible, as there wass no way for anyone to be behind me at that point; I was backed up against a bookshelf.  I looked behind me...

...I don't know what happened then. I have missing time, maybe five minutes. But I felt better in myself. I felt like I was almost ready to take on the world. After that, my drinking reduced, and I no longer felt like I was going to put out the lights. I meditated regularly, and often felt her lie beside me when I slept. (She does that.)

All in all, I had the most powerful religious experience of my life. I was *me* again, and maybe more so. My meditations produced a greater understanding of Her, and how she wanted to be worshipped. And that's part of what I want to do with this Blog. I want people to get past the standard interpretations of Lilith, and see her with more Human eyes.

And with that, I'm going to leave you for the minute... I may add part 2 later today, or later in the week.

So here I am...

This Blog gets its name from a very simple thing. Some of us have hobbies, or enthusiasms, or whatever, and there comes a point when you wake up in the morning and you find yourself thinking in terms of that thing that's been getting more and more lively in your life and then it hits you.

You either drop back, stunned, or sit, hunched, trying to catch your breath as you have just realised something. You are {X}. For X, substitute Political theorist, musician, theologian, actor, physical therapist... Magician/Sorceror. And that's me on the end.

Yes, I've got a number of little tags that you can add to my name. Some of you know me as that geeky kid. Some of you think of me as the person you loved to kick instead of the football at school. Some of you know me as a Gentleman. Some of you think of me as a bastard of the first water (and for most of you who think that, I'm truly sorry. Most of you. Except for you; yes you. You know who you are and why I don't mind you thinking of me as a bastard). Some of you are aware of me as a Brony. Some of you know me from some websites I hang around. Some of you may also know me under the auspices of the Grey Rainbow. And some of you know me as one of the very few male Dark Goddess Theologians out there. And some of you who have come to this blog may now be thinking of me as a man with more pretention than I should have. But I'm digressing...

Yes, I have a point. My point is that I woke up one morning and had the sudden realisation, as I looked round my bedroom and saw my Table of Practice, and my Shrine to my Genius, and my Lamen, and my piles of notes, and my first thought was something to do with having to invoke someone or other that evening. And that's when I had my revelation, in a burst of pure solid clarity:

“Holy Shit, I'm a Sorcerer!”

The sensation of such a moment of clarity is uncomfortably similar to having a nervous breakdown.

Now, hopefully, this blog will last some time. Some blogs start and fail. But I do have a wealth of topics to talk about. I'm going to talk about the nature of my relationship with my Goddess, my conjuration of spirits, my desperate attempts to keep my head above water (or learn, metaphorically speaking, to grow gills), and, occasionally, to provide little snippets of information I have discovered.

I'm not going to claim that I have some Hidden Secret Knowledge. Maybe I have a little bit of knowledge that no-one else does for the simple reason that no-one else has done precisely what I did. I can tell you that it's a very bad idea to burn sulphur in incense in any large quantity indoors, but I'm sure that that's fairly common knowledge, and most people aren't that stupid. But what I will do is share my little bits of info that I glean; the experimental results when I have found something that works and works well.

If you're a Lilith worshipper, then welcome. You'll find bits of useful info here.

If you're a general Pagan, you'll likely feel at home.

If you're a ceremonial magician, then you'll find good stuff here as well.

If you're a newbie, you'll find handy things about here also.

If you're a fundie Christian, you might have some problems.

If you're a Fluffy Bunny... well, there's room for you here, but don't be surprised if you lose your Fluff.

Hopefully, I'll be able to give people some insight.