I could make some kind of emotional statement about how I Found Lilith and how she Changed My Life. But the long and the short of it is this: She didn't. Granted, she gave me the emotional strength and psychological shoring-up that I needed so that I could get on with my life, but there was no sudden great revelations in my life and things didn't improve in any great way in the physical, literal sense. But here's the important thing that I've come to realise in recent months: Dedicating myself to Her was not going to bring me wealth and power and adulation. It wasn't going to bring a stream of willing young women to my door, it wasn't going to set me up for life. (Mind you, I wouldn't really know *what* to do with a stream of willing, wanton young ladies. Asexual. Glad to be Grey-A. But that's for another time.) But what it *did* do was something much more (spiritually) important: It set me on the road to where I am now. (Which is still pretty much in the shit, but at least I have good friends, two of whom are snoozing prettily beside me right now.) Id had me finding my Right Path.
You see, when I was a Christian I wasn't getting anything from it. I was kneeling when appropriate, saying the right words, getting Confirmed because it was expected of me (and I was given a Bible. I insisted on one with a near-complete Apocrypha so I wasn't short-changed) and generally tried to find my way through life with Christ by my side. However, either I didn't really believe or I simply Wasn't Getting It. So yes, I was living as a Christian, trying to do the right things... but letting Christ lead my life wasn't good for me. To me, Christ was the Bad Influence Friend. He was Ed from Shaun of the Dead, leading me to get drunk and stoned and a whole load of other things that simply weren't good for me.(I may have just alienated all the Christians who read this.*)
But then again, I wasn't doing much better as a Wiccan, either, was I? I was happier and better as a Neopagan, but I certainly wasn't all the way there. But after that... I *knew*. I *felt*. No Southern Baptist slain in the spirit could argue with the new view I had of the world; no-one could deny that I was more in tune. For once, for the first time, I felt that when I called out into that Darkness that we call the Universe, someone was Listenng. And occasionally answering back.
That's the thing, isn't it? If you're going to do any kind of major Magickal work, if you're going to conjure spirits or banish "Demons", you need to be Right with your divine source. You need to be able to put your hand on your heart and be able to say "Yes, I have a good and solid relationship with my God(s)". (This was very much something I found out much later- thank you, Frater Opus.) You can't call on your God to cast something out or bring something in if they're not inclined to listen to you. Before I went to Her, I had no... direction. I might as well have tried to call wealth to me by invoking Cello-Flame, Lord of Sticky Tape for all the good it would have done me.
But years passed, and I refined my worship and practise. I channelled words from Lilith, and divined her symbol and, essentially, how *she* wants to be worshipped. I speak to her on a regular basis, and she speaks to me. Occasionally. Digressing again, though. Come to July/August of last year. I was invited to join a select group: The Gentlemen.
I started working with them, summoning the spirit Tzadquiel first, and slowly working my way through the Spirits of the Planets. And I developed a good working relationship with them, an am slowly becoming a competent Magician, if nothing more than that. I have Summoned my Genius and Bound my Demon, I have acquired a coterie of spirits that hang around me, and I have been contacted by a certain other spirit that I didn't recognise at first. But now I know who she is and what I should be doing.
But the key is this: If I hadn't actually found Her, I'd be... hell, I'd likely not be alive. I'd likely have quit the whole Faith thing and fallen completely into disaster. I do know that I wouldn't be involve in any kind of Magick now. But I have had a fair few good results. Not quite in ways I'd like, but enough to show me that I'm not just flailing in the dark here. And if it weren't for my work with Spirits, and Archangels and the like, things would likely have gone completely south for me in February this past year. (February and March nearly killed me. Literally. I'll get there eventually, when I'm ready to post about that on this.)
So yes. Finding Lilith was the first step. And the last step has not been taken. I'm still on my path. And any Magician who wants to have any success needs to have faith, or at least have something solid to believe in about their world an their place in it. Christian, Khemetic, Norse, Hellenic... all of these are viable, from what I have seen. Now that I know that I am Right with my Divine Source, I need to get back to working out who and what I am.
Because Asexual Lilithian Scientist Brony Gamer Sorcerer is a little bit of a mouthful.
*I ought to point out at this point that it was as much my relationship with Christianity that was the problem. Being a Christian while not really believing it, was putting me into a terrible spiritual position- living a lie. I had a spiritual hole and no amount of vodka and skunk was going to fill it. That's what I meant about Christ being a bad influence on me. No disrespect meant. There are many wonderful Christians out there who practice what they preach and Jesus of Nazareth had some very impressive and valuable lessons to teach people. Chritianity and I just don't fit well together, that's all.
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