How I got here- Part One

That's a very simple question, but also one that will take a while to run through.

Simply put, I fell to this by a roundabout manner. We'll start at the beginning, because it's generally the right place to start.

Way back in the twilight of 2006, I was, not to put too fine a point on it, I was an absolute chaotic, emotional, psychological wreck. I'd lost my job, my Fiancee had split up with me (somtghing that still hurts to look at in myself even now) and I was right at the bottom. I was at a position where I was drinking myself to near-extinction almost every night. If I'd known about the character back then, I would have likened myself to Aral Vorkosigan at the end of Shards of Honour (without the whole mess about having assassinated someone in the midst of battle thing)... certainly the physical state he was in then. Anyways. I was at a point where I was considering, quite seriously, for a long period every day, taking a nap on the railway tracks opposite the house.

I really should have gone to a doctor. But I didn't. I self-medicated with gallons of alcohol.

I got to a point where I really felt that I needed to do do something with my life, to get myself over a hump, and back into the game, as it were. Taking the old maxim of "As Above, So Below" (resonant, considering where my life has gone now) I decided that firstly, and most simply, I needed to make some changes in my spiritual life.

Some years before, with much thought and self-examination, I had left Christianity behind and become a Pagan. Actually, I'd not so much become a Pagan as a *cough* Ambient Wiccan. No specific Gods, just a generic Lord and Lady... not a Fluffy Bunny, but not with any defined focus of faith. And that was about to change.

For years I had been finding a certain Name pop up in my sphere. Yes, you guessed it, Lilith, She's been on the edges of my life for years. Lilith was the pet name I had for one of my old GF's (oh, and didn't that one work out well. Mind you, she was calling me Lucifer. We were so Goth we made pastels look gloomy...) and one of my closest friends at University had adopted Lilith as her stage name and into her Wiccan workings. (Yes, she was a pole dancer. I doubt you can move for Liliths gyrating round poles, TBH.) The name was just... creeping up on me.

I started reading. I read, and I read. I read online, I read in books- most notably Kabbalah and Exodus (which was a waste of time for researching Herself, but an interesting read), Alan Untermann's "Dictionary of Jewish Lore and Legend", White Wolf's "Book of Lilith", and several articles from back issues of Pagan Dawn. And that's where I sat down and thought. I mean REALLY thought. I was in a myriad of thoughts, each feeding into another and hunting for answers all the way down. I'm a trained Forensic Scientist, PDI. I can Profile with the best of them. So I was focusing on all the lore and hunting down the truth of it... and started looking at the Lore from a new angle. I( came to the following conclusions:

1. Lilith is a Goddess of the scorned, the spurned, and the unlucky.
2. She's not as black as she's painted.
3. Her sacred animal is the Screech Owl.
4. Suitable offerings are red wine and chocolate.
5. She is Dark, but the same way that the night is dark. If it wasn't dark, it wouldn't be that way.

I went through all I knew, and created a rite of Dedication to her. As in, I set up my Altar space and appealed directly. I poured a chalice of the best Red I could afford, I offered some Lindt 85%, and finally, because I felt it was appropriate, I opened up a small cut on my arm and bled into the wine.

Don't get me wrong. The blood was not an essential part of this.  It was purely symbolic. Symbolic that I was dedicated to Her, that I was willing to shed my blood for Her... and above all, it was a tiny scratch, people. Enough to get a few drops into the cup. It's not like I opened a vein and poured the Krovvy all over the place while imploring her to drink all she wanted. (It would have ruined the carpets if nothing else.)

But after making my offerings, and kneeling, breathing in the Frankincense and the Musk, having sipped the sanguine cocktail I had created and trying to staunch the bleeding, Something Happened.

I felt... well, a fizzing. I felt it start in my feet and work upwards. It flowed through me like... well, like a cleansing. Looking back on it, I realise that I was being washed in Her blood, and that Her wings were enfolding me. I was one of her own. And then the spooky bit happened.

A white hand was places on my right shoulder from behind. This was frankly impossible, as there wass no way for anyone to be behind me at that point; I was backed up against a bookshelf.  I looked behind me...

...I don't know what happened then. I have missing time, maybe five minutes. But I felt better in myself. I felt like I was almost ready to take on the world. After that, my drinking reduced, and I no longer felt like I was going to put out the lights. I meditated regularly, and often felt her lie beside me when I slept. (She does that.)

All in all, I had the most powerful religious experience of my life. I was *me* again, and maybe more so. My meditations produced a greater understanding of Her, and how she wanted to be worshipped. And that's part of what I want to do with this Blog. I want people to get past the standard interpretations of Lilith, and see her with more Human eyes.

And with that, I'm going to leave you for the minute... I may add part 2 later today, or later in the week.